If I Go
by fstigtmsb
Summary: After getting unsettling news Captain Kirk thinks about leaving Starfleet. He talks to certain crew members about his impending decision.
1. Chapter 1

I love being the captain, it was my heart, and the crew was my family. It was hard to think that I might be leaving all this behind. Life had handed me a difficult challenge and felt that it may be best to take a different path. In taking the other path, I'd be leaving the Enterprise and crew behind. My only hope was that I would still be friends with the crew. There were a few I was more concerned about as I was closer with them than some of the others. But each person I had taken time to know each of them. I was just closer to ones that I interacted with more.

So, except for a select few I sent notice to all the other crew members telling them that I may be leaving Starfleet due to life's changes and felt I needed to return back to Iowa. My mother was battling the fight of her life and I felt I needed to be with her. It may seem not that big of a deal to a degree, but my mother was always there for me growing up and supported me in everything. She had been through a lot giving birth to me as the love of her life died. And being in an abusive relationship with my stepfather. Now, I can't even say the words, it was too hard.

With the select few I decided to call them in individually and talk to them one on one. I called them in, in no order really. Just felt when I could get a chance to talk to them. First was Lt. Uhura. She buzzed on my quarters and I let her in. "You asked to see me Captain?"

"Yes. As you know I received some news about my mother."

"Yes. I'm so sorry."

"Thank you. I've sent a message out to most people, and I'm sure there are murmurs of this. But I wanted to talk to you face to face."

"About you thinking about returning home?"

"Yes. I just want you to know that if I do leave, I've enjoyed my time as the captain and value the relationships I've built. I feel that you and I have a special relationship. I know that at the academy and in the beginning that you and I didn't always see eye to eye."

"Captain, if you do go, know that it's always been an honor to serve under you. You are a great captain."

"You never served under me. You always served by me, next to me, with me."

"Thank you, sir."

"You're my friend Nyota."

She had tears in her eyes. "You're going to go." She said softly.

"I don't know for sure. I still have things to figure and work out. I just want you to know that I value and cherish our friendship."

"As I do you."

I gave her a hug before she said she better go. I nodded.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you too." I said back.

She then left.

I walked over to the counter and took out two glasses and poured two drinks. There was one who I would not be able to talk to as Chekov had passed away a few years prior after suffering a heart murmur and died in his sleep. It was hard, because he was so young, so talented, so smart, so fun. So, this was my drink to him. I missed him greatly in that moment. I drank my drink and softly said under my breath "Here's to you my friend. I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

After I toasted Chekov I called Mr. Sulu in. Though he and I had a good relationship, he always seemed a little distant. I was never really sure why. I knew that he'd risk his life for anyone on the ship, as I would. In fact, I did more than once to save the crew and him. I always chocked it up to him being more of the quiet private type. Though when he had something to say, he sure let it be known as well. Once, I was told that even Bones told him to remind him to never to piss Mr. Sulu off.

Mr. Sulu buzzed at my quarters and I let him in and we sat in the sitting area.

"I saw Lt. Uhura as she came back on the bridge. She was pretty upset, but she wouldn't even tell Spock why."

"There are rumors I'm sure going around about me."

"According to some, they aren't rumors. You sent out notice. However, I and a few others did not receive such notice."

"Yes, you didn't because I wanted to talk to you one on one about such rumors. You're right, I did send notice and so they are not rumors."

"This involving your mother?"

I looked down and nodded. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. But most likely I will be taking some leave, I just don't know if it's permanent leave yet. I don't feel I can do my duty as captain with her in her condition. I don't want to be so distracted that I can't do my job."

"I can understand that. I'm sure we all can. Not that it would matter if I say, that I would like your leave to not be permanent. The ship would definitely not be the same without you."

"It does matter. I appreciate that very much. Listen, I know that there are times that we seem estranged or distant. But I've always thought of you as a close and dear friend, Hikaru."

"I thank you captain. I think of you as a dear friend as well. I understand if you go. But I do hope you don't, at least not permanently."

"Truth, as do I. This is my home and you all are my family."

"It's an honor to serve under your command."

"It's an honor to serve with you by my side. I love you."

"I love you." He said back. As we stood we gave each other a hug and he turned to leave.

"Mr. Sulu take the conn as you ask Spock to come see me."

"Yes sir."

Saying goodbye is never easy. And it was far from easy to have the talks with Nyota and Hikaru. But the last three on my list to talk to, would prove to be the most difficult as I felt I had an even stronger bond and relationship with them. Don't get me wrong, I love Nyota and Hikaru, truly I do. But Spock, Scotty and Bones, well in general I was closer to and felt more of a brotherhood with. And while I struggled to keep my emotions in check with Lt. Uhura and Mr. Sulu, I wasn't sure I'd be as successful with the next ones.


	3. Chapter 3

There was another buzz at my door, and I got up and let Spock in. This was going to be far from easy. I could tell by his manner that he knew what was up. I'm sure even Scotty and Bones knew something. And knowing Bones, he was probably upset that I had not yet talked to him. I would. But now it was Spock's turn.

"Come in, make yourself comfortable." I said gesturing him to sit down.

"Captain are you leaving the Enterprise?"

"Unsure. I will take some leave, for how long is what I'm unsure about. It could be permanent."

"Permanent, captain?"

"Spock, I probably won't know until I see my mom and talk to her doctors. But yes, I might not be returning. And if I don't, I'll be recommending that you continue on in my place as captain."

Spock gave a look of confusion. "I'm honored, but I do hope that you will be returning. I could never be the captain you are."

"Yes, you could. Spock, I'm sure you are aware that most of the crew got a notice, and I'm sure you've figured out that a select few did not."

"You talk to them yet as well?"

"All but two. I haven't gotten a chance to. It's not easy to possibly say goodbye to people who you love."

"No, I'm sure not. As it is not easy for us to possibly say goodbye to you. But captain, even if you don't come back we'll still be friends."

"I'm glad to hear that Spock. That is my hope. I cherish and value the friendships I've gained onboard the Enterprise. As I cherish and value the friendship I have with you."

"As I do you too, captain. I do wish and hope all well with your mother. The ship will greatly feel your absence while you are away."

"I'm sure it won't be long, before you gain your rhythm and get along like I was never here."

"Don't be so sure. You've greatly impacted the lives of all who reside on this spaceship. I had many doubts about you in the beginning, but you have proven all and every doubt wrong. You have served this ship greatly and no other captain, not even one as I would ever be able to fill those shoes."

"I thank you Spock. This is a decision that won't come easy nor overnight. It's not one I'll take lightly. Thank you for coming to see me."

"You will always be my captain, Jim. And my friend."

"You'll always be my friend too."

"As I am half human, emotions run deep in me. I do not express well my true feelings. But as this could be goodbye, I almost feel at a loss for words."

"You don't have to say anything."

At that because it was getting late, we said another goodbye. What shocked me was that Spock actually gave me a teary-eyed hug. "Jim, I love you."

"I love you too, Spock." I said a little astonished. But it was true on both ends.

And at that, the other two would wait until later. It had been an emotional day and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I knew I wouldn't be able to put Scotty and Bones off for too long. But another day or two I'm sure that they could wait. I needed them to. I felt I needed a day just doing my job before having a talk with them. Like I said, saying goodbye isn't easy. I loved Scotty and Bones greatly, and my heart broke at the thought of saying goodbye to them. To any of my crew. And again I prayed that even if I didn't return that I could keep our friendships intact.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day I spent the majority of the day on the bridge. It was a quiet day in fact. And truth while I welcomed it, I also was hoping for a little challenge to keep my mind off my dilemma. Things were a little strained with Uhura, Sulu, Spock and I as well. Strained, but not in a bad way. It was more of an emotional strain as we all knew that this could be one of our last days together on the bridge. Scotty and Bones were quite to me as well. I was sort of grateful, for I was sure I'd get an earful at least from Bones.

Sulu had gone down to Med Bay without me knowing to see why Bones had not been on the bridge that day.

"Doctor, McCoy, everything all right here in Med Bay?" He asked.

"Been a quiet day. Why?"

"Normally, when you aren't busy here you're on the bridge. Why you're there often, I haven't figured out."

"I'm there for Jim."

"He needs you now. Why are you not there?"

"He needs me? You know there are rumors going around that he's leaving. I'm sure you heard that he sent out a ship wide message saying he is thinking about it. I'm sure you even got one."

"You didn't?" Mr. Sulu asked.

"No."

"Neither did I." Sulu said.

"You didn't, Mr. Sulu?"

"No, Dr. McCoy."

"But you know something?" Bones asked knowingly.

"Yes. Captain Kirk talked to me in his quarters."

Bones looked at Sulu a little irritated. "He did?"

"Yes, as he did Lt. Uhura and Spock."

"So, he in some way has told everyone but me. And you wonder why I'm not on the bridge. If I were, I'd ring his neck."

"Doctor McCoy, he's under a lot of stress. He needs his friends. He needs his family. He needs you as both."

"Save your sweet talk Mr. Sulu. Look, I think you and I both know why he hasn't said anything to me."

"Because it's hard."

"Because I'd try to talk him out of it."

"Doctor McCoy, that's not what he needs, and you know it."

Mr. Sulu left and returned to the bridge. It was still quiet. Too quiet.

At the end of the day I returned to my quarters. I took out my communicator, "Kirk to Scotty."

"Yes, sir?"

"Tomorrow morning I'll need you to come by my quarters."

"Aye captain." He said softly. I think that he had an idea. Tomorrow was going to be a not enjoyable day.

In the morning Scotty buzzed at my quarters. I went to the door to let him in. "Morning Scotty, come on in." I said.

"All alright captain?" He asked.

"Yes. Scotty, I'm sure you know why I have asked you here."

"I've heard talk, yes sir. I know you were given terrible news about your mother. And I too, would want to go down there for a while to be with her."

"Scotty…there is more."

"Yes, sir."

"When I go, I'm not sure that I'll be coming back."

"Sir?"

"There is a real possibility that Spock will be the captain after I leave. If I do decide to resign my command, I'll be recommending Spock to take my place as captain of the Enterprise."

Scotty gave me the same look he gave me when I told him that I excepted his resignment several years earlier. I looked down. "Scotty, I want you to know that there is a reason to why you have not received word of this before now."

"Aye captain."

"The reason is, it's hard. It's a hard decision that lays ahead of me. And you know that each member of this ship, no ranking to high ranking has a special place in my heart. Each member is my family."

"And we all feel the same."

"Scotty, I sent out a ship wide notice saying my impending decision to all but a select few. These select few have a bigger place in my heart and it's harder for me to say goodbye. You are one of the select few that saying goodbye to is very painful."

"Saying goodbye is never easy Jim. But it doesn't have to be forever. If you resign your command, you'll still be my captain. Our captain. Spock will be a great captain, though he'll never fill your shoes. Jim, you're not just the captain, but you're also our friend. My friend. My dear friend."

"As you are mine, Scotty. Many years ago, when you resigned it was painful for me to except that. But as the captain I had a job to do and my orders, so I had to. I didn't want to."

"I know that captain."

"Thank you for coming in." I said softly.

"So, everyone knows now?" Scotty asked.

"One doesn't."

Scotty nodded his head. "And he's the hardest."

"That is why I saved him for last."

"I wish you well in your decision. I hope that you do return, and I look forward to you coming back if it is possible for you to do so."

"I love you Scotty. I hope you know that."

"Aye, Jim. And I love you."

We gave each other a tearful hug and went about the day.

Again, it was a quiet day, and after duty I went back to my quarters, got out two glasses, and "Kirk to McCoy."


	5. Chapter 5

Bones didn't answer. I tried a second time, again nothing. "Bones, I know you can hear me."

"Yes, captain?" Came a grumpy voice on the communicator.

"Please, come to my quarters."

"On my way." Though I could tell from his voice, I was about to get an earful.

I let Bones in and I went over to pour the drinks.

"Jim, there is so much that I really want to say right now." He said, I could tell he was a bit irritated.

"I know. Bones look…"

"There's so much I want to say but won't." Bones interrupted.

I almost dropped the glass I had in my hand. If there was one thing I knew about Bones was, that if there was something he wanted to say, he said it. "What?" I asked.

"I know that you sent out a ship wide notice of your impending departure, and I know that you talked one on one with Spock, Uhura, Sulu and most likely Scotty. I know that is most likely the reason you've asked me to come to talk to you now."

"Well that covers part of what I intended to say."

"Jim, I'll admit when Mr. Sulu came by and told me that you had talked to everyone else, and confirmed the rumors, I was upset and angry."

"Well he really shouldn't have done that." I said.

"Maybe not, but I'm glad he did. For he also caused me to think about my angry."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"While he and I were talking I told him that you hadn't told me yet, because you knew I'd try to talk you out of it."

I shrugged my shoulders and nodded sort of in agreement. Truth, Bones probably would. And if anyone could, he could.

"Jim, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. Believe me, I want to."

"Bones, it's not official yet that I'm resigning my command, for I don't know that I am."

"I hope you don't, I really do. But if, if you do, you have my full support of it."

I didn't like to cry around Bones, or in general for that matter. Scotty was right, Bones was the hardest to say goodbye to. Many, probably including Bones would think Spock would be the hardest. But not even Spock knew me as well as Bones did. I'm sure there were some who wondered why Bones was on the bridge so often. Truth, I needed him there, I wanted him there and without even telling him or saying it to him, Bones knew.

"I appreciate that Bones. I didn't mean to upset you Bones."

"I know, it was more that I was hurt."

"I didn't mean for that either. Bones, the reason I didn't send you a notice, or Spock, Mr. Sulu, Lt. Uhura and Scotty is because you are the ones that it's the hardest to say goodbye to."

"I understand that. Though I do wonder, if you've talked to everyone else, why am I last?"

"Bones, you're last, because saying goodbye to you is the most painful. You know me like no one else onboard does. Hell, you probably know me better than I know myself. You're the one that I don't want to say goodbye to the most. You're not just the ship's CMO, or my right hand on the bridge, or even my best friend. Bones, you're my brother." I said teary eyed.

This also had Bones choked up. "It's mutual kid."

Bones and I didn't hug or say anything after that. We just sat there with our glasses in hand. After a little silence I looked at Bones, "Want another?"

"Sure." He said.

We spent a bit of time just talking about fond memories and joked about what he would do to me if I don't return. Then it was late, and tomorrow was coming in early.

As Bones walked toward the door, I said "Leonard…"

Bones turned around with tears in his eyes. "It's been the best honor to have you as my captain, Captain Kirk. An even greater honor…" Bones couldn't finish, but I knew what he was trying to say.

"It's been the best honor to have you as my CMO. It's the greatest honor to have you as my best friend, more importantly my brother. I love you, Bones." I said with tears running down my face.

"I love you too, Jim."

Bones then gave a small smile and left. I'll always hold that night deep in my heart.

As I will with each moment I had with Spock, Mr. Sulu, Lt. Uhura and Scotty.

As I said tomorrow was going to be coming in early, and it would prove to be another difficult day. For tomorrow was my last day on the Enterprise before leaving to go home. Go home, for how long, I still didn't know. Perhaps forever, but I hoped not.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm actually probably going to write two different endings to this story, so I'm going to prolong updating for a little bit. I wrote this story in light of the news that Chris Pine as of right now doesn't look like he'll be coming back for Star Trek 4. Which is heartbreaking as I'm not a trek fan persay. I like the chemistry of Kirk, Bones and Scotty. Plus I'm a massive fan of Chris Pine. I'm so in love with him, beside the point. So I am hoping that they can work something out to where he does come back and make the movie. If he doesn't, I won't be watching it. That's for sure. Anyway again I'm prolonging the ending to this.


	7. Chapter 7

Ending Number One

The ride back to Iowa was bittersweet. I was sad to leave the Enterprise, and going home wasn't going to be easy, as this could be the last visit with my mother. She had been diagnosed with advanced cancer and the prognosis was anything but good. Saying goodbye to everyone wasn't easy either. I had put out a message to the whole ship, including the ones I had one on one talks with.

To my crewmembers,

As my leaving for an undetermined period, I leave you in good hands with Commander Spock. I will say that it's been a pleasure to get to know each and everyone of you. And my life is greatly blessed by each of you. I'm a better person by each of your friendships and loyalty, you are not just my crew as your captain. But also, my dearest friends and closest family.

James T. Kirk

When I left the ship, I avoided saying goodbye to everyone physically. I couldn't do it. If I had to, I'm not sure I'd ever leave and strongly felt that I needed to be with my mother at this point. She needed me. She had been through a lot, with losing my dad as she was giving birth to me. The horrible relationship after relationship trying to fill the void that I couldn't fill after losing my dad. And now, she was knocking on death's door.

I walked into the house and found mom in her room asleep. I quietly walked over and sat in the chair next to her bed. "Mom." I whispered.

She opened her eyes and glanced over at me. "Jim, you're home."

"Hi mom. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better. But given what it is, I'm doing good. It's good to see you Jim."

"You too mom."

"Honey, why are you not on your ship?"

"I'm on a leave of absent."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Maybe forever."

"Sweetheart, you can't not go back. That's your home, your family."

"You're my mother."

"Yes, and I love you. I want you to be happy."

"Get some rest mom. I'll be back in to check on you."

That was mom, I had not told her that I was coming to see in on her. I did know in my heart of heart, that I would see her through this. No matter how long it took. And if it was going to take a while, I would leave the Starfleet and leave the Enterprise forever giving her to Spock. If it wasn't too long, then I would most likely return as soon as all the affairs were in order. Unless of course that was going to take a while, then again, the Enterprise would gain a permanent captain in Spock. Whatever happened, it would be far from easy.

I had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water when my communicator went off.

"Kirk here." I answered.

"Jim, I just wanted to make sure that you got to your mom's alright."

"Yeah, I did. Thanks Bones."

"I won't bother you too much. How is your mom?"

"She is dying, Bones."

"How are you?"

"I feel like a little boy again. Thanks for calling Bones, it's what the doctor ordered."

"Well, I am a doctor."

I chuckled. "Everything alright on the ship?"

"Things are normal. I'll let you go. Everyone says hello and wishes you well."

"Thanks Bones."

"McCoy out."

"Kirk out."

Leave it to Bones to contact me shortly after I arrive back home and make me homesick for the Enterprise. But as difficult as it was to see my mom like that, I was grateful for the friendly call from Bones. It made my day. The rest of the day went by slowly with me checking in on my mom as much as possible and getting her whatever she needed. And her nagging me to eat, sleep and take care of myself, just like she always did. I missed the Enterprise, but I was glad to be home with my mom as well. It had been way too long, and I had missed her. And now, who knew.

The doctors came in and out of the house several times a week. All telling me that mom probably didn't have much time left, and that it was good I was home. They also said that they hoped I'd stay. I would just give a suddle nod and smile and say thank you. Home was not home, without my mom, so when she passed, I'd be leaving. Where to, I was unsure. It all depended on how long it took and how long it took to get things taken care of. My hope though was still to return to the Enterprise. That was my home now, mom was right. But then again, she always has been.

I didn't hear anything from anyone on the Enterprise after my call from Bones, that first day, and I hoped all was well. But I was also sure, that they didn't want to bother me with anything. I spent all my time taking care of mom. Making sure she ate, slept, took her medication. Did everything the doctor's told me to do.

I'd been home for nearly three weeks. I truthfully expected to be home for a month or two before she passed. And then maybe another month I'd be back on board the ship. That was my hope. Not my mother's passing. But in a few months to be back where I belonged, with people I loved. Again, that is not a diss on my mother, for I love her greatly and have no regrets on my decision to come and be with her. I know I would have regretted it had I not done so.

As I said I'd been home for nearly three weeks, when I went to check on my mom. What I saw was heartbreaking. Clinched in her hand was a photo of her and I as a little boy. The little boy I felt I was again. I wanted her to hold me and say everything was going to be alright. Almost as if she read my mind, she looked at me standing in the doorway.

"Jim, thank you for coming home and seeing me. But your father is waiting for me, and it's time."

"I'm not sure I'm ready yet mom."

"Jim, you're a grown man, and your ship and crew need you as you need them. It's time."

"Mom…not yet, please. I haven't spent enough time with you."

"I'm so proud of you Jim. Your father would be too. I'm so proud to be your mother."

"I'm honored to be your son. I love you mom."

"I love you too Jim."

And at that, mom closed her eyes one last time, and she was gone. I sat there and sobbed like a baby. "Mom…" I softly said.

In the next few weeks I had a funeral for her and all the paper work that needed to be taken care of was done. Surprisingly in just about two and a half months I was now free to return to the Enterprise. I was sad to be leaving in the aspect of missing my mom. And thrilled to be able to return home, home to the Enterprise.

I had let Starfleet know and asked them to not inform the Enterprise and wanted it to be a surprise. I was also assured that I would be able to keep my role as captain as I had not resigned. They also informed me that before I contacted them Spock had been in contact saying that if I were to return there would be no issues of my taking over as captain again.

I was a little nervous as I boarded the vessel to take me back to the ship. My heart pounded as the vessel got closer and began to doc. Oh how I missed the Enterprise. I hoped to get back to my quarters unnoticed. I had asked everyone on the vessel with me to not say anything to anyone whom they saw about me being back.

Luckily, I was able to blend in the crowd enough that no one seemed to notice me. I got to my quarters, seeing a few people but telling them to not say a word. I wanted my return to be a surprise. When I entered my chambers, I changed into my uniform and made my way to the bridge. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary which was nice. My heart still beating hard.

The lift doors swooshed open and everyone was on the bridge, well except Bones and Scotty. "Captain on the bridge."

At that Lt. Uhura stood next to me, and Mr. Sulu and Spock turned to look. "Captain?" Spock said.

"Mr. Spock." I smiled.

"We were not aware that you would be here."

"I know."

"Your mother?" Uhura asked.

"She's gone. It was good to be with her in the end. But good to be back too."

"Are you back, back? Or just back?" Mr. Sulu asked.

"I'm back to stay."

Everyone smiled and clapped. "I for one, and grateful. I would never fill your shoes." Spock said.

"Does Doctor McCoy and Mr. Scott know?" Uhura asked.

"No."'

"I'll call them to the bridge."

Spock hit a button. "Mr. Scott, you are requested on the bridge immediately."

"Aye captain."

Spock hit another button. "Doctor McCoy you are requested on the bridge immediately."

"This can't wait Spock?"

"I'm afraid not Doctor."

"Fine." Bones grumbled.

Shortly there after the lift opened again. I was sitting in the captain's chair, but I heard both Scotty and Bones. "What is it Spock?"

"Is there a problem captain?" Scotty asked.

"It's commander, Mr. Scott."

"Captain?" Scotty asked.

I stood up from my chair and faced them. They both went white. "Jim?" Scotty said.

"Hello, Scotty. Bones close your mouth. You look like a fish." I said with a chuckle.

"What are you doing here?"

"Bones, I'm the captain of this ship. You have a problem with that?"

"No Jim. No one informed us."

"I asked them not to. I wanted it to be a surprise. I came back on that last vessel. Everything is settled with my mom's estate and the funeral was last week. All is taken care of and I'm back."

"Welcome back Jim." Bones said with a smile.

That night we had a gathering to celebrate my return and then the next day life on the starship Enterprise went back to normal. Just the way I like it.

End


End file.
